Top 11 Back to School Rituals


It’s that time of year again; school is back in session throughout the multiverse. While most kids have to deal with buying books and arguing over who gets the top bunk, some must endure the very specific traditions of their institutions.

11. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters – All of the students must make sure they have start-of-the-art mobile devices, so that they can keep track of whether their teachers are alive or dead that week.

10. Sunnydale High – The entire town turns out for the annual “Return of the Undertakers” parade, celebrating the town’s biggest industry

9. Hogwarts – Students spend their first few weeks shuffling their schedules and living arrangements to ensure that they are as far away from that Potter troublemaker as humanly possible

8. Springfield Elementary – All of the students gather in the quad area on the first day of school to see the latest work of the mysterious street artist known only as “El Barto.”

7. Forks High school – Any student over 100 years old gets first choice of incoming freshmen for the Homecoming dance

6.The Venture Compound – For the first time in recent history, the learning beds have no clones to teach, and without purpose, they have descended into addiction and gambling.

5.Star Fleet Academy – Incoming freshmen must wear rainbow uniforms and call each other “Wesley” for the first month

4. Jedi Academy – The annual Slaying of the Younglings had to be cancelled this year because they ran out of younglings

3. Battle School – Their rituals are shrouded in mystery, but are most certainly not homo-erotic

2. The Shaolin Monastery – The seniors compete in a grueling month-long series of competitions, hoping to be crowned “The Ol’ Dirty Bastard” and gain admittance into the prestigious Wu-Tang Clan

1. Acme Looniversity – The kids all stage elaborate stunts to get themselves noticed by Coach Jordan, so that they can participate in the homecoming basketball game against the aliens.


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