Top 11 E3 Announcements



11. A Tomb Raider reboot with a male protagonist, so that boys will finally have their own video game.



10. A reboot of the old Gorf game, voiced by Tim Conway.



9. A new version of Pac-Man where he must temper his diet of power pills with fruits and vegetables.



8. The new Grand Theft Auto episode will let the player take control of one of the Big 3 American automobile manufacturers, where they must bilk their customers and shareholders out of millions.


7. Infocom will re-release all of their original text adventure games on LPs, targeting them at hipsters.



6. Mario Mario Revolution has the proletarian hero trying to overthrow the evil monarchy of Princess Peach.


5. Pokemon Hoarders, in which experienced collectors must get rid of enough of their useless pokemons so that they can get into the kitchen.



4. A beautifully rendered My Little Pony game, utilizing state-of-the-art next gen technology to vividly display the world of the popular cartoons. Sadly, there is no online component, so you must experience the magic of friendship alone in your parent’s basement.


3. A videogame based on the Adam Sandler movie Pixels, which is itself based on 80s videogames. You play as a movie executive, who must dodge all common sense and financial responsibility to green light and fund this project.



2. A new version of Tetris aimed at GOP gamers, where you are using oddly shaped block to create a wall to keep out immigrants.



1. They found the landfill with all of the ET cartridges, and are porting it to the XBOX One.



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