Top 11 Teams for the 2018 Worlds’ Cup

June 27, 2014

The World’s Cup of soccer is going on right now; usually a festive occasion, this year it is marred by controversy due to the stipulation that only Earth-based teams are eligible. This ban will finally be lifted for the next competition. Here are scouting reports on 11 of the new teams that will compete in 2018…

11. Rann – The team is very well, organized, but the goalie has a habit of being transported thousands of light years away at random intervals.

10. The Death Star – Well known for their defense, but there is a small vulnerability where a single striker can take a shot.

9. Mars – The team is solid on their fundamentals and will be strong contenders if they remain healthy, but they have a weakness to disease and Slim Whitman records.

8. The Predator home world – An aggressive team that strikes so quickly that their opponents don’t have time to bleed.

7. Melmac – A talented team, but not very disciplined; they are easily distracted by cats.

6. The Planet of the Apes – Physically intimidating team, but they do not seem to understand the basic rules of soccer. GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THE BALL, YOU DAMNED DIRTY APES!

5. Bismoll – The team is tough to scout, as they keep eating the scouting reports. If you were upset by the ear-biting incident in the 2014 World Cup, you should probably avoid all of Bismol’s matches.