This is supposed to be the Golden Age of Geekery, but it’s hard to tell with all of the iconic businesses that have folded lately. Earlier this month, Disney announced that it would be closing the doors on the LucasArts software company, which joins Rhythm & Hues, G4TV, and THQ Games in the list of beloved brands that we have lost in the last year. Unfortunately, this is just the beginning, with up to 11 more beloved franchises that may soon be coming to an end.
11. Lara Croft’s boobs.
10. Now that he is a successful, married man, Al Yankovic can no longer be considered Weird.
9. Marvel Comics canceled the beloved Amazing Spider-Man title, and replaced it with The Superior Spider-Man, in which Peter Parker is seemingly dead and Doctor Octopus has taken over his body. Not to be outdone, DC Comics has announced that it will be canceling Action Comics, and replacing it with The Spiderior Superman, in which Clark Kent is seemingly dead and Lex Luthor has taken over his scalp.
8. If the film version of “Much Ado About Nothing” is as successful as expected, we may lose beloved writer and director Joss Whedon to that nightmarish hell hole known only as “The theater”.
7. San Diego Comic Con will finally implode under its own size, and be replaced by a combination circus/reality show/wild animal park. Nobody notices the difference.
6. After busting all the myths, Adam and Jamie decide to go looking for the Loch Ness Monster, and are never seen again.
5. To prop up flagging sales of its Wii U product, Nintendo threatens to shoot Mario unless you purchase a new console. Luigi is beside himself with grief.
4. With Matt Smith leaving his role as Doctor Who to pursue a career in the movies, the BBC decides to go in a different direction, and hires a well-known female actress to take over as the 12th Doctor. Despite the publicity she brought to the role, Lindsay Lohan was probably not the best choice.
3. Disney decides to replace every hero in the Marvel comics line with a funny animal that has a punny name. Peter Porker has been around for years, but no one was prepared for DeadPup.
2. Michael Bay got the rights to do a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, and immediately declared that they were no longer mutants, but rather aliens. In the final draft of his script, he has completely changed our heroes to Centennial Ronin Alien Porcupines, completely replacing TMNT with CRAP.
1. With so many substandard zombie titles diluting the market, AMC decides to cut it losses, and replaces The Walking Dead with an hour of cat videos each week. Still under contract, Chris Hardwick is forced to host an hour-long companion show in which he discusses each video with a panel of celebrity cat lovers.
Follow more of NegativSteve’s rants on his Tumblr: http://stevehatesaquaman.tumblr.com/
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