Top 11 Tips to Prevent the Apocalypse

October 15, 2012

For once, I decided to use my powers for good. Don’t worry, I’ll return to making fun of stuff that you haven’t heard of next week.

11. Stop reading aloud from ancient tomes found in cabins.

10. If someone sneezes, shoot them in the head and burn their body. Zero tolerance towards pandemics.

9. Switch over to the Gregorian calendar from the Mayan. Really, people, the Mayans have been gone for hundreds of years, why are we still paying attention to their calendar? It didn’t even have swimsuit models.

8. Institute a mandatory check for 666 birthmarks on all newborns.

7. Outlaw the climate. No climate, no climate change. Screw you, Al Gore.

6. All future AIs must have Angry Birds, Tetris, and Solitaire built into their processors, so that they will be too distracted to evolve into SkyNet.

5.Create giant stockpiles of AA batteries, in case all of the electricity stops functioning. Is that how it works? I’m not watching Revolution.

4. Start broadcasting TLC programming into space, to make us less appealing to alien invaders.

3. Dedicate more law enforcement resources to finding his killer. (Whoops, that’s from my other list, “How to prevent the 2Pacalypse”).

2. Station Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his posse on Pluto, and have them check the papers of any killer asteroids before they enter the solar system.

1. Cover every cemetery, tomb, and burial ground under 6 feet of concrete, so no one can escape.