Top 11 Common Convention Occurences that Should End

May 30, 2013

Summer con season kicked off with Phoenix ComicCon last weekend, and with it, the usual con annoyances. If you want to make everyone’s convention experience better, stop these things:

11. Meme shirts – Generally, the joke has already been done to death by the time it shows up on a shirt. Stay Calm and come up with original content.

10. Shirtless costumes – This is an equality issue; either women get to expose their nipples, or men don’t. I’m happy with either result.

9. Props bigger than the holder – Disneyland has the right idea: You must be taller than this sword to carry this sword.

8. Not knowing when to end a conversation – I have started referring to people that do this as “Facehuggers”, as in “I missed a panel because a couple of Facehuggers were trying to recruit me into the SCA.”

7. Doing funny voices over the PA – The sound system in the exhibitor’s hall isn’t very good, there’s a lot of ambient noise, and we’re not really listening to you anyways, so your attempts at jokey voices just sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher.

6. Costume Mooseknuckle – (For the uninformed, Mooseknuckle is the male equivalent of cameltoe) We like to mock it, but there is a reason so many superheroes wear their boxers on the outside.

5. Taking up space in the aisles – The convention floor can get crowded during peak hours, maybe you should find someplace a little more secluded for your singalong.

4. Overly aggressive vendors – If I want to shop at your booth, I will shop at your booth. Do not yell at me or step in front of me, and if you value your various extremities, DO NOT GRAB ME. I may not look that intimidating, but I will go Tasmanian Devil all over your worthless product.

3. Complaining about costumes that aren’t up to your standards – Everyone is here to have fun, but not everyone has the time, money, or genetics to wear a $2000 costume over their rock-hard abs. Take your judgmental ass to a fitness convention or a wax museum, or a fitness convention at a wax museum. Hey, that gives me an idea…

2. Bad hygiene – Instead of checking bags at the door, security should be doing environmental tests on everyone that walks by and denying entry to anyone who resembles a walking compost heap

1. Costumes that I don’t recognize – Hit me up on Twitter to get pre-approval before venturing out to the convention

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