10. An ex-sailor with a massive physical deformity and a substance abuse issue fights an obese former comrade over the fickle affections of a woman with an eating disorder, in the new remake of Popeye.
9. An orphan with no eyeballs is led into a series of dangerous adventures by her unscrupulous mentor and his group of racial stereotype servants; there will be no songs in this version of Little Orphan Annie.
8. After suffering a harrowing ordeal at the hands of Old Man Johnson who runs the general store, four teens suffer a massive psychotic break, believe they can speak to their dog, and wander the country in search of others who believe in ghosts.
7. Bill and Ted have an excellent adventure in the Middle Ages, but when they return, they introduce the Black Plague into the 21st century.
6. In the new version of Home Alone, a family forgets their young child when they go on vacation; he must set traps to protect his home against the CPS agents investigating his parents for child endangerment.
5. A group of gremlins terrorize a small town. This is just a re-release of the original Gremlins film, because how much more traumatic could it get? Come on, it has a graphic depiction of a gremlin being blown up in the microwave.
4. Alf is an alien scout pretending to be abandoned; he moves in with a suburban family, while scouting Earth’s defenses in preparation for summoning the Melmacian Felinocide Armada.
3. The Wonder Twins finally snap after years of being taunted for their pointy ears and purple jumpsuits. They take the form of a grizzly and shape of an ice-chainsaw and massacre an entire town.
2. After getting prescription glasses, Elmer Fudd’s aim becomes surprisingly good. He pioneers a new variant on the turducken, involving a duck, a rabbit, and a pig.
1. Charlie Brown, a lovable loser with a schizophrenic dog, has the football snatched away from him one too many times and finally snaps in a pyrokinetic rage.
Follow more of NegativSteve’s rants on his Tumblr: http://stevehatesaquaman.tumblr.com/
