There are so many great things about Aquaman, I don’t know where to start. Maybe I should just start at number 11 and work my way down the list…
11. His orange and green costume was the inspiration for all of the neon colored clothing in the 80s.
10. His powers have been retconned so that now, instead of talking to fish and asking for their help, he just mentally enslaves them and makes them do his bidding. That’s much more heroic.
9. Those pictures of him and that manatee were obviously photoshopped.
8. When he lost his hand, he replaced it with a crude-looking prosthetic, in the tradition of other water-based heroes like Long John Silver and Captain Hook.
7. He’s lost fewer kid sidekicks than Batman. TOO SOON!
6. He disbanded the original Justice League of America after 20 years of service because he felt that the members weren’t dedicated enough, then quit the replacement team within a year when his ex-wife showed up. This shows that he is adaptable and has a keen sense of irony.
5. Speaking of the replacement Justice League, his Justice League Detroit is generally considered to be a low-point in this popular series. It shows his lack of ego and sense of teamwork, allowing other teams to look that much better by comparison.
4. He is King of Atlantis, except when he isn’t. He does a good job, too, because Atlantis almost never attacks the surface world in consecutive years.
3. He is so confident in his abilities, he doesn’t mind that every criminal on the planet knows his weakness to being kept out of water for longer than an hour.
2. He has an adorable puppy. He must be a good man to have a puppy who is that cute. Of course, he got the puppy to cheer himself up after committing genocide, but who doesn’t need a pick-me-up after slaughtering every member of a previously-undiscovered race of sea dwellers.
1. He provides hope for hopeless losers everywhere that they, too, can someday marry a red-headed hottie who is WAY out of their league.
Follow more of NegativSteve’s rants on his Tumblr: http://stevehatesaquaman.tumblr.com/